


Coming Unravelled

by strangeseraph



Series: Loving In Stitches [4]
Category: Star Trek: Deep Space Nine, Star Trek: The Next Generation
Genre: Angst, Crossover, Flashback, Friendship, M/M, Slash
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-11-20
Updated: 2011-11-20
Packaged: 2017-10-26 08:37:10
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,656
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/280955
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/strangeseraph/pseuds/strangeseraph
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Julian Bashir and Deanna Troi dig deep into Garak's troubled psyche in search of his past.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Coming Unravelled

Coming Unravelled

Silence. For a moment. Then he felt he could perceive many noises at once. The soft humming of the ship's' systems, the sudden blip from the medical monitor above his head. The quiet intake of his breathing.

"Yes, this definitely indicates an artificial memory block is in place."

"I think he's waking up now..."

Garak turned quietly on the bed to nervously watch Julian Bashir and Councillor Troi working together at the monitor. Troi turned to look at him and winked, smiling. Then she turned back to the computer, where Julian started analyzing just how big the memory block was and what areas of his brain were effected.

"The chemical reactions in his brain as a result of his implant are definitely what triggered this effect..."

Julian didn't even look at Garak, so engrossed in his analysis of the information on his screen.

Garak wasn't annoyed by this. On the contrary, it was one of the things he loved about Julian; his complete devotion to his choice of vocation and to his patients. Sometimes medicine even came before Julian himself. Garak had learned a long time ago that this was a battle he wouldn't win if he wanted to win Julian's heart. Let him be a doctor first, and he would be happy to be your friend.

 _And now my lover. Who could have known that my mental breakdown is what opened him to the idea of romance! Other people would have run away screaming!_

But Julian was so completely engrossed in discussing the intricacies of the brain that he hadn't noticed that Garak had awoken from his temporary slumber. And Troi was looking rather uncomfortable with Julian's constant carrying on about the cerebrum and Cardassian brain chemistry.

 _I never should have agreed to this. She's a complete stranger. But I need to know. Who put this memory block in place? Tain? For what purpose? And why is it causing me to have these claustrophobic attacks? And am I really going to tell that woman, and Julian, the truth, all of it? How do I even know where to start?_

It was like going around in circles.

He hated the idea of anything being wrong with his brain, let alone being in sickbay to find out what was wrong. But it _had_ been necessary for him to sleep in order for Julian to detect the memory block, so they had moved everything they needed into his bedroom.

 _I do hope this is all worth it! At least I'm in my own room, on my own bed...that I've been sharing for the last thre nights with my lover...such intimacy...and now I'm sharing this private space with this outsider. Though she's quickly becoming a trusted confident._

Much to his things considered he was lucky not to still be in a cell. They had bent over backwards to make this as comfortable for him as they possibly could.

 _So why am I so nervous?_

He coughed gently to get their attention, and Troi was immediately the first to turn to look at him.

"I'm sorry Garak. I know you're feeling nervous about what could be behind the memory block."

"More restless than nervous, but yes," he said.

He could not lie to her, and she could see right through him if she had a mind. He HATED it!

"Perhaps I could replicate you some tea to help calm your nerves? This could take awhile."

Damn. It was really hard to hate this woman. She was just so likeable!

"That would be quite suitable," Garak agreed, knowing that this was probably the most progress he could expect for hours.

"An artificial memory block is very hard to remove," Julian said gently, coming over to the bed to stand next to him. "And I know so little about Cardassian brain chemistry. Only what Enabran Tain was willing to send me from Cardassia's medical database."

Julian pulled another monitor over to Garak's bed for him to see.

"You can watch the output here as well, and see exactly what we mean. We're carrying on a normal conversation, and you're paying attention to me. This pattern here indicates normal functions of a brain while being stimulated by the..."

Troi coughed pointedly. Julian could really go on a tangent if nobody interrupted him. He blushed.

"I think we're all set here," Troi said, carefully handing Garak his tea. "Tell me when you're ready to be put under hypnosis."

Garak shook his head, and looked out the window.

"Garak?" Julian said worriedly. "What is it? What's wrong?"

"If there's something you need to tell us before we start, now is the time," Troi said.

Garak glared at her. But Julian's worried brown eyes could have sent him running into a fiery volcano to rescue him, if he was honest about it, so he answered, though his response was a bit more acrid than he had intended.

"I DO NOT like the idea of hypnosis!" Garak said viciously, and he hated himself for how much he was shaking. "You could make me reveal ANYTHING! I could betray Cardassia's deepest secrets!"

Garak felt an angry burning building inside of him and he let it out with as much restrain as he could. But the look in Troi's eyes indicated she knew exactly what he felt. He hated that too!

"Garak," Julian bent down to take his hands into his own. "I promise you, this is completely confidential. Not even Admiral Ross has the authority to look at your confidential medical files."

"I don't believe that for a moment!" Garak hissed, and turned his head away.

"The only way the Admiral could legally look at even one sentence of your private medical record would require the approval of the presiding Doctor and four admirals. And then they would have to be able to prove that your personal health records pose a serious enough threat to the Federation to justify the invasion."

"Starfleet Medical Charter. Item seven, section three," Troi said, smiling at Julian, who was clearly impressed. "We take patient confidentiality very seriously, Mister Garak. You have my word, I'll only discuss subjects you are comfortable with while you are under hypnosis."

Garak could already feel a headache coming on, and the anger and helplessness he was feeling reflected a very strange pattern on the monitor. It was almost pretty.

He was suddenly disgusted with himself. How could he have agreed to this?

"Is all of this really necessary?" he asked, perturbed by the soft, almost frightened quality of his voice.

And he was frightened. More frightened than he could ever remember feeling. Why had his memory been blocked? Who was behind it? Oh he knew both the answers to those questions. But he had so many other questions he couldn't answer because of it!

 _But am I really going to let them hypnotize me?_

"The only way I know to break through a memory block is through memory recall techniques, such as hypnosis," Troi said. "There's no artificial way to do it that doesn't risk damaging your memory even further."

"It may take two or three sessions to break the block at that," Julian commented. "And we would still need to monitor your health continually throughout."

"That's what is holding you back the most," Troi decided, crossing her legs. "All the equipment, the medical setting. You want to know what's behind the block without the fuss over your health."

"I see you've been paying attention," Garak chuckled, barely able to think anymore. "You're right. I would do this, if I could do it without requiring being monitored by the two of you. This 'medical setting', as you call it, only reminds me of an interrogation room. Being in my own bedroom helps, but only a little."

But it would be worth it, to find out what had been blocked. To unravel the secrets of his mysterious past.

"This will definitely not be an interrogation," Troi said firmly. "We can always take breaks if it gets to be too much for you, or too stressing."

"Very well," he said finally. "But under the condition that we don't dicuss anything pertaining to Cardassian military security."

"Even if it was the military that blocked your memory in the first place?" Julian said.

Garak knew that the question had needed to be asked, but neither of them had wanted to. He was glad Julian was the one to ask it. He hadn't wanted another reason to mistrust the Councillor anymore than he did, and hadn't wanted to break the subject himself.

"The Cardassian military would have had good reason to block my memory," Garak said.

Troi and Julian looked at each other, eyebrows in their hairlines. Terrans. They had no concept of the value of unwavering loyalty. Their ideal world was not his own.

"I support anything done for the protection of Cardassia," Garak continued insistently. "Even if I can't get my memory back as a result."

"We will respect that decision," Troi agreed, then she crossed her legs and looked at Julian Bashir, who bent over to place a very strange device over Garak's eyes.

It was a visor of some sort, with a screen that output random color patterns and strange shapes as he observed it. Julian then returned to his place by his own monitor to start his observations.

"Are we starting now?" Garak said, suddenly confused by the device over his eye.

"We can start anytime you like," Troi said gently. "Just watch the patterns while you are talking and the hypnosis will happen naturally."

"Well I know exactly what I want to talk about first," Garak said immediately, and reached down to pull off his socks. "Julian wanted to know more about my webbed feet, and that's a good place to start, because my earliest memory is of the Doctor at the adoption center having an argument with Tain over whether or not to perform surgery on my feet."

And then he launched into his narrative, and as he talked he felt himself lulling down into a strange sense of being separated from his own mind and travelling backwards deep into his past.

* * *

"...Because my earliest memory is of the Doctor at the adoption center having an argument with Tain over whether or not to perform surgery on my feet."

Julian listened attentively to Garak, only vaguely keeping his mind on the screen he was supposed to be monitoring. The well being of his patient seemed to be rivalling inside him with his severe need to understand more about his lover's past, and he fought a losing battle against that drive.

"You see, on Cardassia webbed feet are only found on a very small segment of the population, which evolved separately in the few natural swamplands on Cardassia Prime. They, or should I say we? 'We' are pejoratively called 'Swamp Voles' by much of Cardassian society. We're the proof that Cardassians evolved from lesser reptiles, rather than being 'touched by the finger of God' as much of the population still believes to this day. Our leaders may have been able to get rid of folk religion and witchcraft, but the belief that there is a God in charge of us is almost never argued about in public. Cardassians are supposed to be the chosen race, God's Architects building His Kingdom for Cardassian glory in the Universe. And so instead of having evolved from swamp reptiles, web footed Cardassians are treated like mutants, outcasts. We aren't accepted in normal Cardassian society.

"And here I was, this orphan, about to be adopted, and the Doctor was horrified during my examination to discover my webbed feet. He was terrified that Mila Garak would not want to adopt me!

"Of course, Tain knew. I think it was Tain that brought me to the orphanage. He certainly kept a close eye on me while I was there. And he insisted the doctor leave my feet alone."

"Do you have any memories of anyone else with webbed feet?" Troi asked gently.

It seemed as if Troi was a firm believer in letting the patient lead the conversation, and pushing gently in the direction that seemed the right way to travel. She thus wasn't asking him about Tain or about the Religio-political things he had revealed, but something small. It made Julian twist with the need to shout out questions himself. He bit his tongue, and turned to look at his monitor.

"Well, come to think of it, no," Garak paused. "Nothing. Tain didn't have webbed feet that I know of. Mila definitely did not," he chuckled. "She liked to do housework barefoot. Most Cardassian women do. I don't understand it myself. But unless she had her feet altered, then no. No webbed feet."

Troi paused, assessing for a moment, then nodded and asked the question that Julian had wanted her to ask.

"Why do you think Tain didn't want you to have your feet changed?"

With her previous question she had sought to pique Garak's own curiosity about his feet, so that she could slip in some candid questions here and there while he was in a mood the sort things out. It was rather brilliant, in fact, and Julian was envious of her conversational skill.

"I hardly know," Garak said, sounding surprised with himself. "Tain is a traditional Cardassian in many respects and would not have wanted it made public. But maybe he thought it would be useful someday. Cardassians with webbed feet have more natural buoyancy, are more flexible and have better agility, which is why we're the only Cardassians that can swim. Maybe that's why we're so hated by other Cardassians. They are jealous of that ability."

"Do you like swimming?" Troi asked casually. "Do you swim often?"

Julian he had to admire her professionalism. Her patience. What made her a good Councillor would have made him a terrible doctor. The willingness to let the patient have his way, yet still lead him in the right direction. A good doctor always asked the uncomfortable questions about his patient's health, and didn't let them get away with covering up their symptoms. He was a detective, getting to the heart of a mystery, uncovering illnesses and looking for clues. But a good councillor found ways for the patient to reveal things within their own comfort zone. The patient became the detective, wanting to find the clues themselves.

"Yes, I do like swimming, but I haven't in a long...while..."

Suddenly, something started happening on Julian's moniter and he jerked his head over to look at Troi, pointing to his console. This was the silent signal they had agreed upon to indicate that the area of his brain with the memory block was being simulated and that she should keep questioning him on whatever subject had stimulated this reaction.

"What is your earliest memory of swimming?" was therefore her next question and it was clearly a good one.

Garak's voice, when he responded, was no longer the light, easy, passive voice he had been using. He was struggling here now, and Julian turned to examine his heart rate, which had increased a small percent.

"I think...I...I think I was quite small. Yes, I was small," Garak's voice struggled, and he had become very uncertain. "I was struggling in the water, I had to have been very small, it wasn't very deep. I could touch the buttom, could feel the mud under my toes. I was struggling to stay up."

"Were you, perhaps, learning how to swim?" Troi suggested gently.

"Yes," said Garak, and the monitor Julian was watching came alive with activity. "A woman, she was helping me swim. I was so small. She was on her knees in the water...and she was holding me with her hand under my belly. I was...I was a baby. I was a _baby_."

Garak's voice was startled by this realization. Most Cardassians could remember very far back into their childhoods. This very early memory must have been startling enough, but to have a memory that far back must have almost been frightening.

Garak was shaking, just a little. The block was starting to wear down a tiny faction, and he started talking again in a more energized manner.

"Yes, I remember now. Swamp Cardassians learn how to swim very soon after birth. There's a tradition of giving birth within the water itself, as a way to separate and define ourselves as different from Cardassians who are born in a sterile hospital. We become more connected to who we are...but...I had only ever read about this tradition before...Could it be true? Could I swim from birth?"

Garak was smiling now. Smiling in a way Julian had never seen before. He was delighted.

"I can remember it as if I were still there. The cold of the water. The smell of the trees. The swamps...the woman holding me as I kicked and struggle to stay upright. I remember it."

"Who do you think she was, this woman?"

Such a quiet, gentle, question, but filled with an obvious answer that sucked all the air from the room and had Julian holding his breath as if for dear life.

"She was my mother."

Such awe. Garak's voice was filled with realization and fear, a fear of the things not yet seen or heard but somehow known. A voice that transcended surprise in every sense of the word. Julian barely recognised his awestruck friend. Barely knew him at all.

"Of course she was my mother," Garak said, voice suddenly fierce with loathing and hate. Not for the woman, but for himself. "How could I ever forget her?" he was shaking now, a quiet rage that showed in the creases on his forehead, the clenching of his fists. "How could I have forgotten my mother?"

"Tell me about your mother, Garak," Troi said, quickly.

Garak's voice and face were somehow transformed, somehow sad and yet happy at the same time.

"She was _beautiful_ , my mother. So beautiful. Rhetta. Her name was Rhetta...Adon. Rhetta Adon. And I was her Elim. I was her little sweet baby," he laughed. "That's what she would say. And she had Long dark hair that I liked to grab. And blue scales, as pale as the stars, and deep black eyes that were somehow warm and vibrant all at once. She was beautiful. And her voice," Garak's own voice caught in sudden memory. "Deep and rich, a laughing voice. Full of zest for life. And she sang, I remember her singing..."

The monitor was suddenly making a sound and Julian quickly turned off the beeping and observed silently the radical changes now happening in Garak's brain. The block was coming down. He turned to indicate to Troi what was happening with his hands clasped together, then parted. She nodded.

Garak, for his part, had not noticed the beeping of the monitor. He was trapped now in a memory of his mother singing and his voice hitched with his sudden tears.

"She sang so beautifully. And she sang everywhere. In the forest where we went swimming. Where they harvested the regova eggs. That's what they make us Swamp Voles do for them, harvest the eggs that can only be reached by swimming. The rare rare eggs we were never paid for, but gave the government its only reason for letting our mutation pass under the radar. Rare rare eggs that were delicious and coveted on and off world. And Enabran Tain was our landlord."

Julian's eyes darted towards Garak in sudden shock at this revelation, but Troi had a finger to her mouth immediately. The unspoken comment was obvious; let Garak finish.

"In fact, I think he was more than our landlord. I think he was in love with her," Garak's mouth was a grimace. "I remember he made her sing for him. The entire time he came to visit us, and inspect the farm. It was just mother and me, in our house. Our little farm was cut off from the others. And the swamp was disconnected from the cities by a system of stone walls. There are checkpoints you have to go through to get to the swamp. Perhaps to keep anyone from stealing the eggs. Or maybe to keep us from organizing a revolt," he snorted. "Like we would ever leave the swamp. It was the only home where we were welcome. But Tain would come to the farm, inspect the eggs, and she would cook for him and sang as she did. He was our only visitor."

Garak didn't say anything for a piece, and Troi looked like she might ask a question. But then he continued quickly, almost angrily.

"I don't think he cared for me one way for another, Tain. He'd sit in a chair by the fireplace and I would toddle over, my ragged wompet doll in my hands. We didn't have money for a real pet, and small animals couldn't survive well in the Swamp. The regovas are large and nasty when they become adults, roosting in the tree tops ready to swoop down and try to latch onto anything that moved. That's why you had to swim to get anywhere near their eggs, because if you weren't underwater when they spotted you, it would be very painful," he grimaced. "I remember mother had scars from regova bites all over her arms, from reaching into their nests to grab the eggs. I'm sure they would have eaten up any wompet they could get, that's for sure. So I only had dolls, even though I was a boy."

"Its all right for boys to have dolls," Troi said.

"I supposed its true. But on Cardassia boys would stop playing with dolls once they learned how to talk. They were for girls," Garak grimaced a little. "I remember he said something about the doll once, when mother was peeling eggs for him.

"'Isn't he a bit old for that?' is what he said. I remember that."

"How old were you?"

"Four maybe? Four I think. I remember because our house was up on stilts to keep it from flooding and the year I turned four was the last year I had that doll. It sometimes stormed in the swamp, the wind was sometimes so strong...and the house, sometimes it would lean a bit in the wind...and that year I lost the doll during one of the storms..."

More activity on the console. Julian turned around and stared in dawning realization. The block was gone now, and all the neurons were firing in the previously blocked areas of Garak's cerebrum at once. This was bad...this was very bad. Garak was going to...

"Oh...I'm feeling a little...I think I'm...going to..."

Julian actually got to his feet as Garak started wretching, brown and green vomit coming up out of his nose and mouth. It was so sudden that neither of them had time to react before Garak wrenched the visor from his face and fled from his bed, running with his hands over his mouth for the bathroom.

"Garak!"

The sound of wretching quickly followed, and Julian practically flung himself into the bathroom to grab Garak by the shoulders.

"Hold on then, its all right, let it out."

Garak continued to vomit until his belly was empty, his shoulders heaving as Julian held on tight to him.

"Troi, bring my medical kit, I should have an anti-nausea hypo in there."

The hypo was soon had and Julian gave it to Garak quickly. The Cardassian tailor was quivering and shaking his head, tears were now pouring down his face, and he dry heaved again into the toilet. He was trapped, lost in whatever memories had broken free and completely incoherent.

Luckily for Julian there was an empath in the room.

"He's terrified," Troi said. "Something has frightened him terribly and he'd terrified to go back to it."

"We should take a break now," Julian said firmly, holding Garak around his shoulders.

"No!" Garak said, suddenly. "I have to talk about it now, or I won't ever. It was just...it was so unexpected..."

Troi nodded, and helped Garak to his feet before leaving the bathroom pointedly to give him some dignity. Julian grabbed a towel and helped Garak clean himself. He helped the man remove his vomit soiled shirt and then grabbed a bathrobe from the peg near the door.

When they left the bathroom they found Troi was waiting in her chair, the strong smell of herbal tea floating in the air from the three cups on the coffee table beside her.

"No more hypnosis," Troi said immediately as Garak sat back down on the bed. "You've made a breakthrough, and using devices at this point would just negate what has happened."

"What has happened?" Julian asked, rather upset that Troi knew before he did. "The block is gone...but..."

"The block is gone, yes, but not only that, he remembers why he is claustrophobic, and why his memory was blocked."

"Yes," Garak said, and he struggled to hold the cup of tea, his hands were shaking so badly. "And its not pretty."

"Five minute break," Troi said. "Your nerves are not ready for this conversation yet."

Garak nodded, and Julian left him only reluctantly to return to his computers. Troi grabbed a fresh blanket for Garak from the replicator and helped him change the vomit stained bed cover. Which left Julian to power down his monitors and computers, put away his medical equipment, and only kept out his tricorder and medical kit. Troi rather quietly started writing notes, and Garak sat with his back to the room, leaning against his pillow, staring out of the window to the stars.

"I think I'm ready now," Garak said and they all sat down. Julian returned to his chair and accepted the cup of tea that was waiting for him.

"All right," Troi began. "So why don't you begin as we did before. With something you want to talk about, and we can work our way back to whatever you remembered that caused the memory block to break down."

"Well, to start it was Tain who had my memory blocked," Garak said. "It was for my own good, at the time. I think I'm getting a bit ahead of the story though."

"That's all right, go in whatever order you like," Troi said calmly.

Garak nodded.

"My mother," Garak said, and his voice hitched. "Was indeed Tain's lover. She was living in isolation for her own protection. Tain was afraid that his enemies would find out he had a woman and child and go after them. So we were hidden away in a quiet place where nobody would know about us. Where it would be safe for him to visit us.

"And mother didn't mind," Garak shook his head. "We Swamp Cardassians are a hearty bunch, she could have been happy in a hammock in the trees just as long as she had the water. Swimming in the deep river Gyra, amongst the algae, and diving down beneath the water to find the eggs between the roots of trees where regovas hid them, was her world. So she accepted our exile from the rest of the Cardassia without complaint.

"But the inevitable happened..." Garak trailed off, and looked to Julian for help, with aching eyes that could not get out what he wanted to say.

"Tain's enemies found out," Julian said quietly, taking Garak's hand comfortingly into his own.

Garak nodded, tears starting to form in his eyes again.

"The only time anyone ever got the best of Tain. He wasn't head of the Order yet, so he was off on a mission somewhere, who knows where, and didn't have a clue that an assassin was after his wife and child."

Julian tried not to wince; Garak was clutching his hand so tightly he was cutting off circulation.

"It was a rainy night," Garak said, his voice quietly fierce. "There was a storm. The winds howled. The floorboards were creaking. And I woke in my bed to hear the sounds of voices in the kitchen. I climbed out of bed, all four years of me, and grabbed my wompet doll and went downstairs to investigate. We didn't get visitors often at our house, only Tain, and I was such a curious little boy. Such a curious curious little boy..."

Garak's voice broke, and he started sobbing again as he spoke, and his eyes looked out ahead of him at some unseen horror.

"I c-came into the k-kitchen and saw a strange m-man. He was holding my m-mother from b-behind, and h-had a knife to her throat and...and...the next thing I knew..."

Garak could barely get out anything more between his desperate sobs of despair.

"It happened so fast. There was blood everywhere, and then she was on the floor, dead, blood gushing out of her, throat and then the man was after me! Me! I ran out into the storm!"

Garak stopped speaking. He was shaking from head to toe, face pale and hollow, voice hoarse from his crying. Julian turned to stare in profound horror at Troi, whose mouth was likewise agape. It was all too much, too horrible to contemplate. And yet Garak went on!

"I didn't know which way to go. I was only four. But the man was not a swimmer so that's where I went, into the water. It was so cold. I was terrified. I lost the doll somewhere in the water, because I couldn't hold it and swim at the same time. And the man was still following me, up to his chest in the deep deep water. I went father, farther, and farther, until I lost him finally in the deepest waters of the swamp.

"And then I came to the pumping station at the center of the swamp. Its purpose was to keep the water clean, and I climbed inside the main sump pump, and i fell, it must have been ten feet, into darkness and sewage muck up to my waist. I was now trapped and alone."

So this was the source of Garak's fear of small spaces. Not just the small spaces themselves, but the tramatic events that had lead to his becoming trapped in one.

 _And every time he was in an enclosed area the trauma of the events would return, the memory block would weaken and the feelings of fear and panic would fill him!_

It made a great deal of sense. Julian wanted to tell Garak this, but the tailor wasn't done his story. He shook his head, tears pouring down his face and Julian took him in his arms as he poured out the rest of his story.

"I was stuck, but I didn't want to leave. I was so scared. I spent the whole night inside the empty water pump, in darkness, crying and frightened of the man with the knife. I didn't escape until the next day when the water levels rose enough to lift me up out of the hole. I was eventually found there by the men who maintained the repairs to the pump. And taken by them to the nearest village. Eventually Tain came around and got me. And took me to the hospital."

Garak was done with crying. He was looking rather embarrassed now, and rubbing his eyes.

"Well," Garak swallowed, and looked down. "Cardassia doesn't have psychiatrists. When a Cardassian cannot function they go into an asylum. I couldn't function," Garak swallowed. "But the asylum I was sent to was frantic about me. They had never seen anything like me before. I would have fits of crying and screaming that they couldn't stop. I lived with the constant horror of my bleeding mother, and the fear of the man with the knife coming to get me. And I was too young to block my own memories. I hadn't learned how yet. I hadn't even learned how to create a memory library."

"Memory library?" Julian said, a little confused.

"We Cardassians learn various skills and techniques that allow us to access our thoughts as if we were going over shelves of books," Garak explained. "It requires great mental discipline but its very useful. Its one of the reasons we have such perfect memory recall. But I couldn't do it yet, nor could I even block things out, and my mind was taken up by the horror of what happened, I couldn't help myself, barely was able to feed myself most days, was constantly crying and wandering around in a despair. So one time, when Tain was visiting me in the asylum, they told him that it would be easier to block my memories until I was able to handle them."

Troi frowned. It went against everything that Federation doctors and psychiatrists were taught about the brain. It was healthy to confront the past, it was an imporant part of healing. Maybe blocking his memories had given Garak the tools to take care of himself. But blocking them had caused so much trouble for the adult Garak as a result!

"After the block I forgot everything," Garak continued. "My mother, the swamp, all of it. I was an orphan that Tain had found somewhere, and he knew a woman who was looking to adopt. Who just happened to be his housekeeper. So...it was all gone. Erased. And Mila helped me to start over from scratch. I was once again a productive member of Cardassian society, and that is all that our medical community cares about. But mother was gone. My mother no longer existed in my memory. Not just mother, my entire childhood up until I went to the adoption center. Gone."

Julian felt such deep sympathy and despair. He didn't know now how to help his lover. He couldn't comprehend such a deep and horrible experience at such a young age. He didn't know how to comfort Garak. All he could do was hold him.

Fortunately, they did have somebody there who did know how to help.

"It sounds as if they did what they felt was the right thing at the time to help you recover," Troi said quitely. "I promise I won't go into detail about what the Federation would have done better. But now that the block is gone, now that you've confronted the past, you can heal and I'd be happy to help you with that process."

"Thank you," Garak said, bowing his head. "But now that the memories are back, I'm not sure I really need help going over them."

"That is true," Troi agreed. "You can return to these memories without losing yourself the way you did as a child. And they are no longer blocked to you, no longer a mystery. But you have the answers to questions you didn't have before and you'll be confronted with feelings you may need help in dealing with."

"That's certainly true," Garak said. "There was no funeral for my mother. I don't know what happened to her body or where she was laid to rest. How do I mourn her?"

"You can start by remembering who she was in life, not how she was in death."

"Yes," Garak said fervently. "I remember her now. And nobody can take her from me again."

Troi nodded, then turned to look as Julian, and frowned.

"Are you all right Doctor?"

Julian was surprised to find that he was crying.

"I..." he swallowed. "I don't know what to say, about any of it," he shook his head, unable to find the appropriate words.

"Crying again for me my dear?" Garak said, and pulled Julian warmly into his arms. "My darling, you are such a dear and sentimental creature. I'm feeling so much better now. Cardassians don't hang onto their pain the way other races do."

"Now now, no covering anything up or memory blocking," Troi said at once, standing to her feet. "I don't care if it is a natural ability for Cardassians, it can't be psychologically healthy for you."

"No, you're right," Garak said with a sigh. "As always Councillor. But when I'm ready to heal, I can take the blocks down any time I want to."

"Good," Troi said firmly. "Which brings us to scheduling our next session. We've made huge progress tonight, but we're all tired and need rest, so I'm going to stop our session here and give us all a little time to breath," she reached for her schedule PADD and Julian chuckled.

"I think I'm going to like having her here on the station."

"You would," Garak said with a huff, though there was no malice in his teasing.

His eyes were rather bloodshot and tired, and he looked ready to fall right into bed. Troi was right. Now that it was all out, he could talk about it with more depth and discussion another day.

Once Troi was gone and they were alone Garak dragged Julian into his arm, kissing him and clinging to him tightly.

"There was so much I wanted to tell you," Garak said. "But she was here."

"Garak..." Julian started, but Garak hushed him.

"The reason why Tain continues to pretend I'm not his son is because the killer was never found," Garak shook his head in tears. "He became the head of the Order in order to have the resourced to track him down, but he has never found him. He has an unseen enemy out there who he cannot catch, who knows I'm his son. I wasn't just exiled after the occupation, but all of my life. I went to school in a city far away from where Tain lived. I was treated badly in public. I was sent away from Cardassia to Tzenekth as soon as I was old enough. He's been sending me away all his life not because of anything I have done, but to make it seem to his enemy, and to the rest of the world, that he doesn't care about me at all. That he hates me. He exiled me to _protect_ me."

"I see," Julian said. "I won't let anything happen to you Garak..."

"No no no! You don't understand!" Garak said. "What if something happened to _you_? What if _my_ enemies come after you to get to _me_? We can't let anybody know about us Julian! Troi won't tell anybody, I'm sure, and you can't mind-probe a Betazed. But somebody else could . I couldn't bare to lose you the same way I lost... _her_..."

Garak's face was a mask of aching despair and loss. Cardassians were very much bonded to their parents, and to their children, and their mates. Cardassian society was based upon the strong instinct for family groups in Cardassian DNA. And here was Garak, mourning a mother he hadn't realized he'd lost and devastated by it. He was reacting to his fears.

"I know hon," Julian said, thinking that 'hon' suited Garak almost entirely too well. "I want to tell the world about us. I want us to be a couple. But if it helps you feel safe then we'll keep quiet about it."

"Julian, I love you," Garak said, and kissed his head. "I couldn't stand to lose you now that I finally have you."

Julian felt his heart aching deeply and kissed his lover back.

"I think I love you to, no..." Julian paused. "I _know_ I love you, and I want to keep loving you without you having to be afraid all the time for my safety," Julian put his arms around his lover's neck and kissed him. "And I think I can live with the lies now," he chuckled. "Its worth it."

It really was.


End file.
